Search This Blog

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Your Application for the Academy of Winter Holidays.

Billy Bob Joe,

     Thank you for your interest in our annual program.* As a show of appreciation, you will receive your very own reindeer via airmail within 5 to 6 months for free.**

     You have passed the fifth round of testing, and we look forward to seeing you yet again for the final two tests before you officially earn your position in the Academy of Winter Holidays.*** Here is an outline of the tests you have passed thus far:
  1. Holiday Culture Exam ~ 88% Professor's comments:
    Satisfactory. Continue study on ancient holidays.
    PS, what do you think of Kwanzaa? I think I did a pretty good job with that one.
  2.  Holiday Dinner ~ Chef's comments:
    Good work, lad! I'll be keeping this turkey, if you don't mind.
  3. Jewish tradition training ~ Exceeds Expectations
  4. Decorating 101 ~ 100%. Interior designer's comments:
    Keep it up my dear, I wish I lived in that house you decorated! Your future is bright! 
  5. Caroling ~ 60%. Choir leader's comments:
    It was a little rough around the edges, but I'm sure with practice you will succeed! If you do get accepted we will have to continue extensive training before we send you out on a caroling route.
     Due to obvious reasons, the next topic will only be announced on the day of testing.

     We have also received complaints from several applicants regarding allergy issues. If this applies to you, we send our most sincere apologies.**** Should you feel any further pain, please consult your literary agent for one way boarding passes to the cemetery.
*The Academy of Winter Holidays is a private company and should not be confused with Santa's workshop.
**If you do not know how to care for a reindeer, please consult our guidebook, "Reindeer Raising 101". This handy booklet will guide you through the steps of proper reindeer care and you will be a professional in no time. Reply to this email within 2 days and receive a copy signed by Santa! Sales starting at $35.99. Shipping rates apply.
***Please note that we have limited seats. If you wish to withdraw your application, reply to this email immediately. Any last minute changes are prohibited and will result in imprisoning. 
****Allergy treatments are also available at our extensive Winter Holiday Store. Only $29.95! Buy one before Christmas and we will give you a special snow facial spa treatment cream. 

     Good Luck! -Miss Eltow

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Queries? Our lines are always open, and we love hearing from our customers! Call 1-800-winter-holidays and become enlightened. 
You can also contact us anytime at

No comments: